I’ve been doing a lot more of everything… except running. Don’t get me wrong, I love running. I’m just enjoying this chance to do different things. Like swimming, and a cardio weight lifting class at the Y, several long bike rides, even Jillian Michaels workout DVDs!
I have committed to a few events, however. All running. The July 31 Marshfield Duxbury sprint triathlon, the Beverly Farms 3.5 mile trail run in August, and the Fells Fest 5 mile trail fest on Sept 11.
So I have a few things that I am genuinely looking forward to participating in, and that always enlivens my mostly solitary workouts. Which brings me to another topic that’s been on my mind a lot lately. One might call it ruminating, but I choose not to.
Friendships, particularly old friends.
Several years have passed since I’ve had a real female friend. Like a good one. Like an awesome buddy. And if I was being really truthful, it’s closer to a decade. In the intervening years my efforts to find this friend or friends have been stymied for several reasons. Some fair, some unfair. Fair = I was mostly depressed and irritable. Unfair = law school classmates were disproportionately immature and uninteresting. Fair = After graduating, I switched jobs several times, making it hard to build relationships. Unfair = some of the girls I considered my oldest and closest friends let me down when I needed them most. Fair = I may have chosen unwisely in my younger years, prioritizing people that I could party with and share a snarky comment over people with stronger values and more substantial interests. Unfair = it’s not my fault girls be jealous bitches!
But enough of the hand wringing and the pity party. I am finally ready to do something about it. Anxiety in check, for the first time. I can do this! There are interesting and worthwhile women with whom to spend time and cultivate lasting bonds! I will leave no stone unturned! I will stalk mothers in the day care parking lot. I will send PMs to women I barely know on Facebook. I will text people in my phone I only casually exchanged info with ages ago. I will reach out to girls I haven’t seen since middle school that probably hated me because I was a bitch back then. I will do all these things because goddamnit I am going to make my present my reality. for the first. time. ever. and I am tired of being afraid. There’s nothing worse than being afraid. I am so tired of feeling let down by people, the world. I just don’t think it has to be this way. It can’t be.
